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S E K O J <--use a miRRor

My Jokes and Comics Page.

Calvin and Hobbes 1
Seperated Twins
Calvin and Hobbes 2
Doctor Appointment
The Stake-out
The Drunk's Pets
The Pope and the Queen
The Drunk and the Lawyer
Construction Site
For Mother
God and Guy
All in the Family
Gypsy with a Trigger Finger
Artful Dodger

Other Humor




Separated Twins
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption because of her inability to care for them. One of them goes to Egypt where his adopted family names him "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain where they name him "Juan."

Several years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,

"But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."








Doctor Appointment
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."



The Stake-out
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, "How is this possible?"

The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."



The Drunk's Pets
This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle, else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred bucks and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist!"



The Pope and the Queen
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting the Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.



The Drunk and the Lawyer
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.
"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. From where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.



Construction Site
An Italian, and Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping",
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese a'guy was in a'charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I coulda no find him."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get me self a shovel. Ye left the chinee in chairge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy... Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells..."SUPPLIES!"



For Mother
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading War & Peace? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire book. It took a research team 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."



God and Guy
On a nice Saturday morning, a guy decides to take it easy and lay in his hammock in the backyard and look up at the clouds.

He was thinking aimlessly when he decided to call to God to talk about things. "God", he said, "Look at these clouds, there part of a natural process that's been going on for millions of years."

To his shock, God answered back, "In my frame of reference, that's about a minute."

Not wanting to lose contact in this miraclous moment, the guy continued, "God, society has changed life on earth. To even enjoy yourself, you'd need to have a million dollars"

Again God answered, "To me, a million dollars is no more than a penny."

The guy then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "In a minute."






All in the Family
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."



Gypsy with a Trigger Finger
Three couples decided to go to a carnival that was travelling through town. At the carnival one of the couples wives eyed a gypsy tent and persuaded the others to go in so they could get a reading.

Inside, the gypsy immediately informed them of the severity of the issue. "Not only will I determine the worth of your lives, but I'll take the necessary steps to punish those who do bad."

She confronted the first couple and looked to the husband, "You love money too much. You love it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." And with that, she pulled out a gun and shot the husband and wife.

The other two couples were shocked but didn't dare move in fear of attracting the gypsy's attention. She confronted the man of the second couple, "You love food too much. You love it so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" After stating that, she shot and killed the second couple.

The husband of the remaining couple turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "Fanny, It doesn't look good."



Artful Dodger
A thief slipped in and out of the Louvre museum in France with a number of priceless art treasures.

After eluding all of the intricate security measures, the thief was captured just a few blocks from the museum when his Dodge Intrepid ran out of gas.

Investigators were baffled that a man who could elude such state of the art protection devices, could be foiled by such a minor oversight. When questioned about his gaffe, the burglar replied, "I didn't have the Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh."