Calvin and Hobbes 1
Calvin and Hobbes 2
The Drunk's Pets
The Pope and the Queen
The Drunk and the Lawyer
God and Guy
All in the Family
Gypsy with a Trigger Finger
Several years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist!"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
"From my nose," the drunk replied.
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy... Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells..."SUPPLIES!"
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading War & Peace? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire book. It took a research team 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
He was thinking aimlessly when he decided to call to God to talk about things. "God", he said, "Look at these clouds, there part of a natural process that's been going on for millions of years."
To his shock, God answered back, "In my frame of reference, that's about a minute."
Not wanting to lose contact in this miraclous moment, the guy continued, "God, society has changed life on earth. To even enjoy yourself, you'd need to have a million dollars"
Again God answered, "To me, a million dollars is no more than a penny."
The guy then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Inside, the gypsy immediately informed them of the severity of the issue. "Not only will I determine the worth of your lives, but I'll take the necessary steps to punish those who do bad."
She confronted the first couple and looked to the husband, "You love money too much. You love it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." And with that, she pulled out a gun and shot the husband and wife.
The other two couples were shocked but didn't dare move in fear of attracting the gypsy's attention. She confronted the man of the second couple, "You love food too much. You love it so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" After stating that, she shot and killed the second couple.
The husband of the remaining couple turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "Fanny, It doesn't look good."
After eluding all of the intricate security measures, the thief was captured just a few blocks from the museum when his Dodge Intrepid ran out of gas.
Investigators were baffled that a man who could elude such state of the art protection devices, could be foiled by such a minor oversight. When questioned about his gaffe, the burglar replied, "I didn't have the Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh."