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S E K O J <--use a miRRor

My Jokes and Comics Page... Continued

An X-Files Christmas
Medical Terms

East Asian Names
Van Gogh's Family Tree

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
Scully: You really think someone's been here?
Mulder: Someone or some THING.
Scully: Mulder, over here -- it's fruitcake.
Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."
Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully: But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?
Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.
Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.
Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.
Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.
Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.
Scully: Impossible.
Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.
Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.
Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
Scully: But we have no proof.
Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
Scully: But that was a meteor shower.
Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.
Scully: Mulder, I --
Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?
Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.
Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

The True Definitions of Medical Terms:
Artery ------------- The study of paintings
Bacteria ----------- Back door to the cafeteria
Barium ------------- What you do when CPR fails
Benign ------------- What you be after you be eight
Bowel -------------- A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y
Caesarean Section -- A neighborhood near Rome
Cat Scan ----------- Searching for kitty
Cat Scan ----------- What dogs do when they enter your yard
Cauterize ---------- Made eye contact with the nurse
Colic -------------- A sheep Dog
Coma --------------- A punctuation mark
Congenital --------- Friendly
D&C ---------------- Where Washington is located
Dilate ------------- To live long
Enema -------------- Not a friend
GI Series ---------- Baseball between teams of soldiers
Grippe ------------- A duitcase
Hangnail ----------- A coat hook
Impotent ----------- Distinguished, well known
labor Pain --------- Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff ------ A doctor's cane
Morbid ------------- A higher offer
Nitrate ------------ Cheaper than the day rate
Node --------------- Was aware of
Outpatient --------- A person who has fainted
Pelvis ------------- Cousin to Elvis
Post-operative ----- A letter carrier
Protein ------------ In favor of young people
Recovery Room ------ Where you have your upholstery done
Rectum ------------- Darn near killed him
Rheumatic Fever ---- Amorous feeling
Secretion ---------- Hiding anything
Seizure ------------ A Roman emperor
Tablet ------------- A small table
Terminal Illness --- Sick at the airport
Tibia -------------- North African country
Tumor -------------- An extra pair
Urine -------------- Opposite of you're out
Varicose Veins ----- Veins which are very close together

The True Meaning of East Asian Names:
Wa Shing Kah ------- Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim --------- Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting ---- There is no reason to raise your voice
Ai Bang Mai Ne ----- I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat -------- You need a face lift
Dung On Mai Shu ---- I stepped in $#%!
Dum Gai ------------ A stupid person
Gun Pao Der -------- An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung ------ Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ----- We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun ------ A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia ------------ Approach me
Lao Ze Sho --------- Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi ------------- Not very good
Lin Ching ---------- An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding ------ A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn ------------- A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai ----------- A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be ------ A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne ------- A small horse
Tai Ne Ba Bol ------ A Don Ho song (see "Yu Mai Te Tan", below)
Ten Ding Ba -------- Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung ------- A person with T.B. or Cancer
Yu Mai Te Tan ------ Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Van Gogh's Family Tree: After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt:                                  Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes:                      Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store:   Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white:      Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois:                        Chica Gogh
His magician uncle:                              Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin:                              Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother:      Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach:              Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle:                           Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt:                       Tan Gogh
the bird lover uncle:                            Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst:                        E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin:                         Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking:            Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew:                        Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco:                        Go Gogh
His Italian uncle:                               Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van:  Winnie Bay Gogh